Some adoptive parents receive advice that the younger a child is adopted, the fewer issues they potentially will have. At least this has been my life experience for the last 6 years. I adopted my darling daughter from Ukraine in 2000 and have mostly stayed involved with the adoption community.
I don't believe this is a good thing to say and I have heard it a few too many times. Children under 3 year of age are impacted by institutionalization. Children older then 3 years are impacted by institutionalization. Each age and each specific child comes with their own challenges.
I am a "plan for the worst" and "hope for the best" person. I think everyone should plan on adopting a child with attachment issues and developmental delay regardless of age.
I know too many families who adopted babies (6 months and older)..... The parents struggled for years before finally figuring out the child had RAD or attachment issues. Attachment is a spectrum issue with RAD on one side and firmly attached on the other.
I know a family who adopted a 12 month old baby and a 7 year old girl (different adoptions). The baby had attachment issues. The girl had a loving background and lived with her birth family during her early years.
The 7 year old girl:
• had a brief honeymoon (behaving like she was perfect for fear that she might be sent back)
• tested the parents (verifying that they really were going to keep her but behaving very badly)
• then easily blended into the family within a year
The baby was a different story. I believe he was 5 years old before he got the therapy that he needed.
I know another family who adopted baby boy. Their first family pictures are so telling. This little infant boy pulled his arms into his side so that the elbows were pushing the parents away. His body language was very similar to a turtle's. The head tucked in, limbs pulled in.
My darling daughter was with her birth parents for the first year of her life. I am 100% certain that she was loved and well cared for. She attached that first year. Then she entered the orphanage system at 1 year, 2 months of age. She learned that she had to look out after herself.
I adopted her at 3.5 years of age. She was never diagnosed with RAD, but she did have attachment issues that took years to overcome.
After Natasha had been home about 6 months, she started language therapy. Her language skills greatly improved and I was able to start asking her questions.
I asked: Who is the boss of the family
Natasha quickly replied: Me!
I explained to Natasha that I was the boss and she could trust me to keep her safe. Of course, she didn't believe my words. I had to prove it to her over and over with actions. But this question became my touchstone with Natasha. I would ask her who the boss was and wait for her answer.
I believe she was home for 12 months before she starting telling me that I was the boss.
